Are you going to your ex’s friends for advice?
Most of our clients confide in us that they have reached out to an ex’s friends for advice prior to speaking with one of our coaches for strategic and proper framing.
For example: John, the police officer, knows that his ex girlfriend’s boss goes to a specific bar after work every day and has met this individual a few different times when he was dating Cathy, his ex. He is comfortable with this person and is at ease speaking to her based on several past interactions.
What does John proceed to do? You guessed it. John uses his detective skills by coincidentally going to this exact watering hole where he conveniently gets to ask all about Cathy’s behavior, attitude, disposition, bathroom break patterns, cell phone use and attendance to work functions.
“Oh no”, John is ‘over’ Cathy, as he adamantly proclaims to the boss. He is simply “curious” he says.
How could this be an effective strategy? It’s not. It’s disastrous!
Stop asking questions about your ex. The number one rule is often not giving your ex (or anyone else) the inside intelligence that you want to reconcile.
People want what they can’t have, and your ex will never respect you or become re-attracted if he or she thinks you are ready and available at any given time. You may think it’s wise to position yourself as a safe place to land once your ex realizes the error of their ways, but in reality, the landing pad you have established never gets used. You will be the side B forever if you debase yourself to this level. You want to be the only place for your ex to go, not a safe landing pad. You need to be side A.
Granted, any casual observer understands that this type of behavior as described above. John is clearly in a losing proposition no matter how you slice it, but many lesser degrees exist along these same lines that deliver equal negative results. Almost every other call we get involves some sort of contacting friends for advice.
What about going to your ex’s family? Their sister that promises not to say a word to your ex no matter what you two discuss? It depends.
What about your ex’s mother? Never. (Ok, almost never, exceptions do exist.)
What about a common friend that you trust and has always been your advocate? Believe it or not… it still depends. Sometimes benevolent third party advocates can actually do more damage without realizing it. Your proper framing needs to be discussed prior to confiding or disclosing your thoughts to any third party.
We see using friends for advice create lots of damage prior to calling us. Yet we have also seen great success with using inside information provided by them help us in reuniting couples well. We need to discuss your specific situation as everyone is different, and leverage any advantage to your disposal. This can make or break any reconciliation and is often overlooked.